The Way Home

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Kelud’s volcanic Ash on our way to my parents’ house. 2013.

Long time ago….. I was almost quit from my belief in Christianity. Generally, people think that I quit from the religion. If I just quit from my religion, I will only stop doing my religious activity but I probably still believe in Christ. If I quit my faith in Christ, I quit from the relationship that I’ve built since years, but probably I still come to Church, and speak about God and HIS holy Words. So, I think it’s different between someone who quits from religion and someone who quits from his faith.

Faith is not same with religion.

What happened to me then? I think I was losing my self at the time. I am sure, every 20 something years old people ever felt the same like me. I used to come to have such kind of ‘meditation’ with Him every morning. I used to read the Bible cause I want to listen to His words, I used to serve in a Christian Students Fellowship in my campus, but then…. I lost those all precious things. I found a lot of suffering people around me which made me thinking that why does God let them happened? I discovered some violences that made me thinking why does God let bad people still alive? I saw so many things that I thought those all are not what He wants as He speaks in the Bible through His saints and prophets. And I look into myself, is my life so boring by following Your ways, Lord?

One day in Sophie Suffle, I talked to my good friends who are also become my team in Bible Study. I told them about all of my disappointments to God, about all of the wrong things around me, about all of the shits I know of the ‘holy’ people around me. They were just keep silent, I knew they both didn’t know what should say and tried not to judge me or maybe they tried to hold the tears not to falling down cause they knew that their friend was in a big trouble. The taste of the very sweet Macaron at the time ruined biter, inside of my heart, I still believe that they would pray for me; for the prodigal son needs to come back home!

I surfed some articles on the internet, mostly in English, cause I am not sure that there will be other Indonesian faced the same things like me since people in this country are doctrined by religion-stuffs.

I opened and read my old spiritual books writen by American authors. Yeah, I need an answer of all, I need an answer of what the hell I was feeling, though I exactly knew what’s wrong with me but I still tried to find some brief explanations, smart opinions, and great encourages from other.

Guess what exactly happened to me? Silence. Yes, I was too silent to Him. I never talked to Him anymore. I never listened to His word, even I walked away from the life I should live. I lost my love to other people. I thought I was the most selfish person in the world. I didn’t care what people are going to say about me.

There were too many scares in my heart I had, too many disappointments, too many bullshits I had listened. I didn’t need God anymore, I thought I can handle everything by my self, I thought I will be able to make my self happy with my own way, I didn’t need to pray to ask what I need, I could buy everything I want, and the big point of all, I realized that I WAS AN ARROGANT.

In another day, I passed the streets in a motorbike with Ona, the oldest faithful friend. I asked her, ”how, or what thing can make me back to God?”. She was quiet for a while then answered me, “try to remember what things made you fall in love to Him and count the things that God has done for you”. Just a sentence with two clauses but very deep meaning.

My heart was touched. How could I forget His love to me everyday? How could I forget some big disasters in my life then He raised me up? How could I forget Him who always give the best things in my life? How could I forget Him who always waiting for me to listen to
my stories? How could I cheat on Him who healed my heart from the past scars? HOW COULD I FORGET THAT I FIND A PEACE EVERY TIME I TALK AND CLOSE TO HIM, I AM LIGHTEN UP EVERY TIME I LOOKIN FOR HIS FACE?

I was reminded that once God hold on my hands, He will never set them free. Correct! How hard I’ve tried to deny Him, How often I told Him that I hate Him, He keeps burning my heart and and telling me that He loves me, all the time. He wants to protect me. He wants me to feel everlasting joy that world can’t give to me. Finally, the prodigal son is now come back with all of the regrets of leaving ‘home’ too long and so often!

No wonderful place except His throne. No safety in the world but His shelter. No greater love except His unconditional and un-stop-able love. I know now HE would not set free the people for those HE sacrificed Himself, HE would not let them be perished, except they choose to be.